Tips for Karlovy Vary

Despite our prudish American sensitivies, Heather and I just got back from a trip to the famous Czech spa town of Karlovy Vary, where we tried out the local "bath" or "banya" scene. For starters, English will only get you so far - Heather can fill you in on this. I did my best shouting through the bathing compartments to translate -- but adding to Heather's adventure here in the Czech Republic -- she had a few awkward moments with the spa ladies, not knowing quite what and when to do what. If you want to visit Karlovy Vary - also the site of a renown film festival each July - I advise you have some ability to speak Czech, German or Russian. I opted for German, but it was still challenging at times. Or, perhaps, I'm being hard on myself. Rather, it was the staff that was just so darn strange.

Take the waiter on our first night. He seemed to speak English and kindly sat us down. He gave us a menu to select a meal, but fried fish and mashed potatoes soon appeared. I pulled aside the German-speaking waiter and explained we received dishes we didn't order, but oddly received menus to place an order. The AHHA moment finally clicked when I realized he wanted us to order for the next night, but I explained we were there only one night.

The other funny moments came with the "English-speaking" waiter. Heather and I were just sitting around waiting while all these other pensioners came down to their fancy meals and ordered beer and wine. We, on the other hand, had nothing more than the fried fish. It was beginning to feel like an eternity that we sat there at an empty table. I thought for sure there was dessert included so after an appropriate amount of time I asked about dessert and the waiter opened his arms and said, "Yes, dessert is there." Heather and I looked at each other like, "Ah, could you have told us the how many courses and what was included in dinner from the beginning?"

This was just comical since the staff tried to act highly professional and kindly with all the other guests. With us, I think they found us to be odd balls. Maybe if we had some fur or jewels it would have helped. Heather and I were pretty much the Americans in town Sunday and Monday. We were the minority amidst a Russian majority. In fact, it looks like Russians are buying up property left and right. I have a feeling Russian will be lingua franca in town in years to come - or perhaps it already is!

But back to the baths... A lovely blond Czech lady helped us make our appointment and walked us through the treatments. She didn't speak much English and therefore insisted upon speaking German. She smiled profusely which was so nice - not something I'd consider typical Czech. This lady took her customer service profession seriously, which I appreciated. Because of our odd booking: 1 night, Sunday arrival at 4 pm, Monday departure at 3 pm. It presented major issues for us to schedule or massage and mineral bath. This was rather infuriating since we showed up at the office on Sunday night to schedule for Monday morning and spoke to a guy who told us to show up at 8 or 9 am without any problems. That was not the case. So we compromised: 1 pm "pearl" baths followed by 1:30 classical partial massage. Not bad, but we had to pack out of our rooms at 12 so we were dressed in our street clothes and carrying luggage around at the spa - definitely an strange sight for the Czechs, Germans, and Russians. We handled it smoothly for the most part. Other times we simply laughed, and laughed heartily. At one point I heard the masseuse tell Heather to "Sitzen sich." She wasn't quite sure what this meant so I yelled across the curtain for her to sit up. Somehow it worked. I definitely got a kick out of the hotel and spa staff speaking to me in German. I sort of felt I was playing my alter ego Katja.

The end of the story is that we paid 115 euros for two people, full breakfast, dinner or lunch, and 2 spa treatments. I think it was worth it. The staff made our visit more of a linguistic adventure. Fortunately, Heather and I had a good sense of humor through these sometimes incomprehensive situations, including that when Czech spa nurses tell you to take your clothes off, they just stand there and wait for you. For a moment, it truly seems like an altered realty where one's body is just a thing. Privacy is non-existent. You just deal with it.

Right now I'm glad to be back in my comfy pajamas in the comforts of my own home. It was a good bus ride there and back for 240 CZK. Our Hotel Humboldt Spa and Park was more than decent. It was quite nice, but we were never fully understood there in whatever language we attempted. Fortunately we have thick skin and active imaginations so we enjoyed our trip for what its worth - time outside of Prague, sipping mineral waters with loads of Russians, enjoying the beautiful houses of the city, shedding our outer layers, and eating fried fish that we didn't exactly order. I'm sure the flies on the wall were in hysterics. I know thoughts of this trip will bring smiles to my face for quite a while :)